On misssing a parent

“I’m not left wanting because my mother gave so much of herself. I got some of all of it. But at the end of the day, or in the middle of the day, or in the middle of the night, or at the very beginning of the day, whenever it might be, with everything I have from her, with everything she gave me, it doesn’t matter-I still miss her. I think the missing is just fine. It would be very sad and very strange to not. Therefore it seems like the right thing, and a wonderful thing for her-she would want to be missed." - James Spader

On the loss of my mother

09.19.2010

On Sunday, September 19, 2010, a beautiful sunny football Sunday in New York, I lost my mother. She would have been thrilled to know that her beloved Jets were beating the Patriots.

For six years she fought cancer like a warrior. She endured numerous surgeries and setbacks, and dug in and fought for her life because it was worth fighting for. She did it bravely, and gracefully, and with a smile on her face. Despite the challenges that she faced she lived her life passionately and joyfully.

In those six years I got more time with my mother. It was great time; not tinged with sadness but filled with an appreciation for time and for shared experiences and with an acknowledgement of how lucky we were to have each other.

Maybe most importantly, my son Everett got to know and love his grandmother. They played and they laughed and he hugged and kissed her enough to make up for the time that he won’t have with her as he grows up. I can only hope that he’ll remember how lucky he was to have Judy Foster as his grandmother, his playmate, and his friend.

My first memories of my mom are of long, long blonde hair and smiles and hugs and kisses. As a single mother my mom worked tirelessly to make sure that I was safe, happy and loved. As cliché as it is, she never missed a game, and there were lots of them. Mom was my greatest champion, supporting me and loving me unconditionally. I knew always that my mother was proud of me, and that is a feeling that every child should have.

Our house was a place where hugs and kisses and “I love you’s” were abundant. That example has bled into my parenting of Everett, and of all my son’s qualities of which I’m proud, the fact that he’s affectionate and loving and sweet is paramount. If Traci and I can make sure that our son knows every day how much he is loved and how much support and admiration he has from his parents we’ll have done good work and honored my mom’s life by following her example.

As I have grown up and created my own life my mother has remained my greatest friend and fan. She has supported, offered counsel (solicited or otherwise), and continued to cheer my victories and reassure me through my defeats. She has been the very best friend a person could ask for and I am sad that I’ve lost that. Her number has always been the one that I’ve dialed when I was excited, when I was in doubt, or when I just wanted to shoot the breeze. Over the days and months and years to come I know that I’ll grab the phone in anticipation of dialing her number and having a nice chat or sharing exciting news, and I’ll be heartbroken that I’ve lost my friend.

In short, Judy Foster was one hell of a great lady. As I told her the very last time that I saw her; she was “hot shit”. I’m so proud of how she lived her life and I could not be more blessed to have been her son and her friend. I will miss her dearly for the rest of my life and I can only hope that the life that I lead will make her proud and honor her memory. I will always feel her with me, hear her voice in the back of my head, and talk to her when I need the ear that only she could provide.

Kid Stuff

Occasionally it strikes me what strange thing it is that I have a small person who lives in my house and depends upon me for everything.

Just a short time ago it was me, then it was my wife and me, now it's the three of us.

He's five, and every day is a weird little miracle. Growing body, growing mind, growing vocabulary, growing sense of humor, growing attitude, and a growing sense of self. The coolest thing of all is to sit back and watch him navigate his way through the world. Encounter new things, solve problems, develop his code of how to manage things. With some correction; and probably more of it from me than is needed, he's making his way in the world. Figuring out where everything is and how to relate to it.

Most days it's just part of the routine. But some days it's a really cool show to sit back and watch, and it reminds me that I should do more watching and listening and less interfering and instructing.

Today I am taking a minute to remember how lucky I am to have that footy-pajama wearing, back-talking, super loving, peanut butter eating miracle in my house.

Giving Myself a Standing O

I am changing my expectations.

I have worked for years assuming that the people for whom I worked would reciprocate the loyalty that they made clear that they expected of me. The don't and they won't. That's not on them...it's on me. It's business.

I'm adjusting my view and my life. My view is that loyalty is for friends and contemporaries. It doesn't move up or down the chain unless it's earned. I'm putting myself in a position, by starting Standing O, my new company, to surround myself and work with people with whom I want to work. Choose your path, choose your surroundings, choose your team.

D